December 21

one this longest night
darkness looms, but light prevails
hope carries the day

~ Maria

December 15

With child in Advent.

Mary and Elizabeth,

my guides, companions.

~ Twilla

December 12

Long nights in Advent
Hug tight like mother's dark womb
winters night promise

~ Maria

December 11

Birthdays bittersweet

Forever changed by your last

Life, years more tender.

~ Twilla

December 6

Mark, Willa, Heidi
Tree ornaments hold stories
Christmas past shines on!

~Jan

 

November 30

Advent Hope, be bold

in the face of our doubting. 

Make sacred the dark.

~ Twilla

November 28

extended family
sometimes joy, sometimes struggle
love is work -- worth it

~ Maria

November 27

Life ever-changing.

In the midst of this whirlwind,

I miss your voice, friend.

~ Twilla

November 20

A long haiku break.

Consumed with growing baby.

Fragile, awe-filled season.

~ Twilla

November 19

Always birth mother
Lora adopts your three sons
Bless all mothers love

~ Jan

November 13

cold mutely appears
brings a touch of regret, but
invigoration

~ Maria

November 11

You loved ladybugs!

Now they remind me of you

They crawl everywhere.

~ Jan

November 3

crunchy leaves scuttle
sun filters through bare branches
early November

~ Maria

October 27

YES... my first art show

brushlines, years, formed two paintings

your presence in both

~ Maria

October 22

Rehoboth sunrise

Waves of past, horseshoe crabs, shells

Fish, chips, clam chowder

~ Jan

October 17

fall rains drum, plunder
knock color from sky to ground
branches stand, stalwart

~ Maria

October 15

Colors fall, dry, crunch
Corn maze, hot cider, hay rides
Honking geese fly high

~ Jan

October 10

Zentangle: verb, noun

Meditation on paper

Draw patterns, patterns

~ Jan

October 8

Assembly book done!
Your encouragement paid off
Memories, 40 years

~ Jan

October 7

night skies hold mys'try
rise early, peer between trees
stand in awe... blood moon

~ Maria

October 4

soft gray yarn holds warmth
shade matches October sky
jeans and sweater day

~ Maria

September 30

Ever-changing leaves

still shelter us from bright heat

while green becomes bold.

~ Twilla

September 24

It is three years ago today we learned the tragic news of tumors in Heidi's brain. I marked the day with a visit to the Stella Maris Chapel at St.John's Abbey. Heidi and I went there on a pilgrimage in November of 2011.

Chapel, star window

Remembering our visit

Star light shine on us

~ Jan

September 23

Remembering...

diagnosis day
too much pain, not enough time
lives changed forever

~ Maria

September 21

Recalling a phone conversation I had with Heidi days before her diagnosis....

Motherhood catch-up:

Ira walks, Junia grows,

Return dishes, when?

Yet, you are not well,

I hear worry in your voice. 

My heart fears the worst.

~ Twilla

September 15

Saint Paul Cathedral

Stained glass, patterns, candle lite prayers,

God in stone and glass

~ Jan

September 14

listen eagerly
notes better than imagined
I revel in song

~ Maria

September 13

Small datebook for bag,

2015, empty

You loved to schedule!

~ Jan

September 10

Martha; cousin, bride

Minnesota to  Texas

Bless Marlon. Welcome!

~ Jan

September 9

small foster kitten
sleeps, wrapped in girl's loving arms
full relaxation

~ Maria

September 7

Leaves, twigs, acorns, stones:

treasures unearthed by young hands,

shoved in my pockets.

~ Twilla

September 4

Touching the edges

Timeless interconnection

Sacred thin places

~ Twilla

September 3

Grilling in Portland

Alaska salmon, veggies

Outdoor family food

~ Jan

September 2

Hearts weighed down, heavy,

light's emergence slow to come.

We await the dawn.

~ Twilla

August 31

Favorite striped shirt

What? Elbow-shaped hole, surprise!

Life breaks through, holes too.

~ Jan

August 28

Hemmed in by oak trees,

starry canopy above:

spirit-grounding night.

~ Twilla

August 27

Misty air, wild waves

Water carries sand, crabs, shells

Carries longing too

~ Jan

August 25

an anxious daughter
tension billows like storm cloud
Lord, we pray for peace

~ Maria

August 21

Fretting over things

I am powerless to change.

Be at rest, my soul.

~ Twilla

August 20

loud night storm comforts
thunder rumbles like cat purr
I wake and listen

~ Maria

August 17

existential dread
middle school for my babies
may it be gentle

~ Maria

August 15

Cicada wiggles

Green goo to glorious wings

Patience as wings dry

Miracle unfolds
Leaving part of past behind
Time for next stages

~ Jan

August 13

Our sweet Junia,

now three, fills us with wonder,

always at my side.

~ Twilla

August 12

to live without fear
will I dare to sing freely,
arms full and outstretched?

~ Maria

August 11

Remembering Willa Esperanza who was born and died six years ago today ...

Six candles unlit

Wish you an angel party 

Grandma Jan sends love

~ Jan

Dear much-loved Willa,

ever-surrounded by Love,

we remember you.

~ Twilla

August 10

Inspired and deeply moved by Maria's most recent haiku...

Bravely choosing light

over deeply-known darkness.

Light Known, yet Unknown.

~ Twilla

August 5

darkness for a time
wax and wane like earth's rhythms
today I choose light

~ Maria

August 3

In the fall of 2012 I planted some Ruby Mantle Sedum in memory of Heidi. 
It's finally blooming!

Your sedum's first blooms

appear now; delicate stars,

tender sparks of hope.

~ Twilla

July 30

'tis joy this season
campfires, cards, books and bikes
summertime sweetness

~ Maria

July 27

my old friend Harvey
kind, gentle - big, giant heart
-- "See you in heaven"

~ Maria

July 24

Old House

Small hands left their mark.

I scrub them off, lovingly;

my grateful good-bye.

New house

Arrange, rearrange,

new places for our old things.

Mental exhaustion.

~ Twilla

July 17

Blowing in the wind

Ginkgo tree, wedding decor

Grows in Iowa 

~ Jan

July 15

Your favourite perch.

The best window for ruling

your precious domain.

~ Twilla

July 13

Five precious children
Wade, fish, row, float, swim, catch frogs
Mount Hood always in view

Camp: tents, van, teepee
Dark nights, moon light, countless stars
Camp fire: grill fish, smores

Magic light at dusk
Ocean waves: reflect, sparkle
Firm sand, walk in awe

Tillamook ice cream
Birthday brownie with ice cream
Portland ice cream shop

~ Jan

July 12

This weekend our family is moving to Goshen. We are excited, yet changes always come with such varied emotions.

Hard to leave this house

where our family was born-

eight years cradled here.

~ Twilla

July 12

restoring order?
I prune, clip, drag and clear.  But...
nature always wins

~ Maria

July 10

Surrounded by ripening raspberries in our yard a few days ago, I was somehow reminded of the summer of 2008 when we received the devastating news that Heidi and Mitch's baby girl would not live long outside the womb. My baby was four months old at the time.

Baby on my back,

I pick fresh berries, weeping.

Your baby will die.

~ Twilla

July 9

crisp night air; search, yearn
light in darkness --  star-gazing
I am but a breath

~ Maria

July 4

Lightning bug season.

Twilight sparkles, shimmers, glows.

Stars dance among trees.

 

~ Twilla

July 3

A dog with itches
Lies motionless on his side
While mistress combs

~ Maria

July 1

South Shore - Chicago

$5.25 for seniors!

Off/on the right track.

Twin Cities, birthdays

Cupcakes for absent parties

Roger, Jan, Heidi

Harvey, Norma's house

Family: quilts, graves, knaphla

Kuchen for the ride

From North Dakota

oil traffic delays our train

Landscape reels roll by

Grand mountains, solid

Clouds drift, lakes reflect, rainbows

Glacier Park patterns

Land of the Blackfeet

Railroad lodges, trails, fireplace

Bears, goats, moose, and cows

Two Medicine Grill,

Luna's, Johnson's: local eats

Huckleberry pie!

Knotty pine guest house

Light candles, read late, sleep in

Summer Paradise!

~ Jan

June 29

Kitchen therapy:

chopping and stirring, tasting;

sustaining, grounding.

~ Twilla

June 28

chasing fireflies
dusk falls with childrens' laughter
snapshot of heaven

~ Maria

June 26

We remember you.

Vibrant blooms surround, give hope.

We still sing your songs.

~ Twilla

June 25

40 bare candles:
Another June 24 
cracks under our feet.

~ Bethany

June 24

Today candle burns

Paper cranes hovering near.

We love you Heidi!

~ Jan

June 22 (2012)

Reflecting on June 22, 2012:

Clasping your hand, I

kissed your brow, called you precious,

released you to Love.

~ Twilla

The final good-bye

"This day should not have happened"*

She mouthed, "I love you."

~ Maria

(* When I visited Heidi in the fall of 2011, days after her diagnosis, we shared a wonderful day, but Heidi pointed out that, "this day should not have happened." This was an acknowledgement of how our life trajectories had changed dramatically once her diagnosis had become part of our reality.)

June 21 (2012)

I wrote this haiku in 2012 as a remembrance of the Preacher Mamas being called in to carry Heidi downstairs in the last days of her life -- an event that happened two years ago today.

We gently turned her
Encircled her in a quilt
Raised her, carried her.

~ Maria

Update: And Twilla submitted a remembrance of her own from June 21, 2012:

First day of summer

dreaded news from Mitch engulfs.

Time for that good-by

~ Twilla

June 20

girls giggle and grin
cupcakes, make-up, nails, cards, fun
twelve-year sleepover

~ Maria

June 18

Remembering a friend who died unexpectedly due to a heart condition, five years ago today.

Remembering you:

a dear friend, your too-short life,

your courageous heart.

~ Twilla

June 17

Fresh garden lettuce

Soup: potato, add bacon

Yummy memories!

~ Jan

June 16

Glisten. Crisp. Slight curl
Fresh peapod in the garden
When can I eat you?

~ Maria

June 15

So it's history! The 618 S 5th Street house in Goshen now has new owners! On Thursday evening, June 12, 2014 we said good by to the house after Theo's soccer game. It was the week of Bible School and since I was helping I got to choose a baked gift. I was lucky enough to get a fantastic strawberry pie just baked with local strawberries! 

Silent empty rooms

Family circled candle light

Memories flowed from all

Remembering food

Connecting past and future

Fresh strawberry pie!

Longing in my soul

Feels real, personal, immense

Blessing space, life flows

~ Jan

June 12

Stretched to my limits as a mother of 2 and a half year old today!

Weathered a rough day.

Our fragile hearts await the

grace of tomorrow.

~ Twilla

June 11

As you might know, tonight will be the last night we sleep at 618 south 5th. As I am going through the last things in the computer cabinet I find this list forgotten in the bottom reaches, a list from Heidi when she was well, I'm sure:

SUMMER
Fort Wayne zoo
Backyard camping
Bunk bed room?
Artsy projects
Cooking together

A list that I think was for the boys, and I know was at least for the most part fulfilled.
~ Posted with permission from an e-mail from Mitch

June 10

Fabric of the soul

Spoken, unspoken is greater

Holy breath, bird song

~ Jan

June 9

Two years ago, at the end of May, I traveled out to Goshen and spent a few days with Mitch and Heidi in the immediate aftermath of her placement on hospice care.  It was a visit of both deep pain and also deep love.  In a private blog that I was keeping, I wrote the following:

       So what is the top thing to do when time is running short?  Turns out, it is to finally get the Christmas              cards out!  So we clipped, folded, packed, wrote, addressed, stamped, all the while munching on                  snackies and humming along to CDs.

       Sometimes it feels weird that we are having this much fun considering the circumstances.  Other times it          feels like the most natural thing in the world.

I thought of this memory as I reflected on Twilla's remembrance, posted yesterday.  I love the living that Heidi was having in these days... days that were extremely hard but also so intensely precious.  

I responded to this visit in a haiku, written May 21, 2012:

finality taste

evening so ordinary

but never again?

~ Maria

June 8

Early June, 2012, Heidi was able to make it to book club. We did not know this would be her last time with us. She herself actually offered to host book club the following month. That night we discussed the book, "Take this Bread" by Sara Miles. In a few subtle ways, it was apparent that Heidi's mind was no longer as sharp as it once had been, and her energy was clearly diminished. Yet she was able to flawlessly lead us in communion, her final gift to our group.

One last time, you joined

the circle which you began,

choosing one last book

Your mind faltering,

yet your heart remembered how

to break and bless bread.

~ Twilla

June 4

Boxes, more boxes

Sort, pack, toss: memory shaped stuff

5th Street house, good by

View from fainting couch

Red wagon, red banister

Porch swing, Willa's swing

Walk: school, library

Grow: tomatoes, potatoes

Play: yards near and far

Read stories in bed

Food, fun, rhubarb jam, sip tea

Births, birthdays, deaths too

~ Jan

June 3

Cool breeze on my face

exhales the sweet scent of rain

through open windows.

~ Twilla

June 2

Shovel meets dirt then splits
Flip over then break apart
Rhythym of Farmer

I pause and am still
Sweat pouring down my face
Stare at sky; heart pounds.

~ Maria

June 1

Tickets for train trip

Ride, read, talk, write: soul meets soul

Chicago - Portland

~ Jan

May 28

One of the highlights of Heidi's ordination day was the celebration at her house that afternoon. This event was made even more memorable by the raging storm that tore through the Goshen area right before the party began.

The winds howled, rain poured,

joy, laughter swirled around you;

overflowing cup.

~ Twilla

May 27

The gifts of working
while laughing, giving comfort
receiving refuge

~ Heidi, May 19, 2012

May 26

Remembering Heidi's ordination, the last Sunday of May, 2011.

Anointing

Your newly-ordained

fingers traced your sacred print

on my brow and soul.

~ Twilla

May 24

Birds flock to feeder

zooming in and zipping out,

filling us with song.

~ Twilla

May 22

melancholic change
years blur, time speeds like freight train
seeking perspective

~ Maria

And then found my perspective in a haiku from Heidi...

Time flies by and by
Bunk beds, boyfriends, jobs, babies
Time leaves many gifts.

~ Heidi, May 19, 2012

May 21

Impending changes

rattle my innermost calm.

I take a deep breath.

~ Twilla

May 18

Dance of pain and joy

Celtic knots, over, under

Such sacred tangle

~ Jan

May 17

Birds flock to feeder

zooming in and zipping out,

filling us with song.

~ Twilla

May 16

Wasn't sure which one said it better... so we'll offer both!

Brightest of dogwoods
Shine white on dreary canvas
Illumination...

or

A lovely dogwood
Fluorescent white against green
Brightness on dark day

~ Maria

May 14

God's voice in the woods

Trillium trios, red buds

Bird song, flight and call

Listen! Water flows,

Rhythm in ocean waves, tides

Tunes in the rivers

~ Jan

May 13

Spring's slow emergence

embodies healing journey,

hope subtle, yet sure.

~ Twilla

May 12

More Mother's Day reflections:

 God hath summoned her
Sweet harmony, angel hymns
Called her home with song

Perpetual light
Shine on saints, eternal rest
Mercy, peace to us

Mother's Day brings pain
Missing you: Martha, Heidi
Memories remain, enough?

~ Jan

my friend, too soon gone
Mom to three lively fellows
you are remembered

~ Maria

Mother's Day

Today I miss Heidi, a most-wonderful companion in the earliest years of my mothering journey. Her wisdom, courage, and care travel with me. 

A Consolation

No matter the realm,

we are all wrapped in the arms

of Mothering Love.

~ Twilla

Photo: Heidi and Theo, December 2008

May 9

River's endless flow:

Steady. Reflective. Haven.

Soul-restoring gift.

~ Twilla

May 8

Reflection on painting...

Brushstrokes spread color
Wet and lustery it moves
I crack a smile

~ Maria

May 5

Living with questions

in the absence of answers;

confounds and comforts.

~ Twilla

May 4

Freeze warning tonight
Cold breath zapping tenderness
I am sore afraid

~ Maria

May 3

Haiku inspired by a group art project at a women's retreat...

Clips, snips of color.
Red lips go chat, smile, ask.
This faithful remnant.

~ Maria

May 2

Parenting: a dance.
Sometimes fluid, sometimes flat.
 -- oft stepping on toes

~ Maria

May 1

Easter Hope, knit us,

hopelessly fragmented, frayed,

into a new whole.

~ Twilla

April 30

rain thunders on roof
cascades, puddles, pools and drips
and verdure flows in

~ Maria

April 29

Magnolia tree's

elegant, bright blooms crown the

desolate prairie.

~ Twilla

April 28

Long winter behind
Air, sun, warm soil revive
I can breathe again

~ Maria

April 27

Spring is just bursting
I crouch and stare for life signs
Will these old seeds sprout?

~ Maria

April 26

Ever-cautious son

mastering the fire pole

bravery defined

~ Twilla

April 25

Mama duck, serene,

tucked behind the daffodils,

keeping her vigil.

~ Twilla

April 24

Jan writes after a day in Chicago hospital with her twin:

Three bypass needed

Twin, son, friend wait for surgeon

Success! Now healing.

~ Jan

April 23

       I resist this page,

then my jumbled self haikus;

      order from chaos.

~ Twilla

April 22

crocus, daffodil,

forsythia, narcissus,

ruddy maple blooms

~ Heidi, March 16, 2012

April 21

  My heart still reeling.

A friendship interrupted

mid-sentence, by death.

~ Twilla